I went to the funeral of a dear friend this week. So close that I would call him family really. Considering how much time I spend in cemeteries, I can probably count on one hand (wait, I left out Uncle Henry, so two hands) the number of funerals I have been to.
This was the first time I experienced being around the home during the planning part of the process. Without going into much detail, I discovered it wasn't quite what I thought it would be. I hadn't factored into the process that not everyone would want an obituary or a service. I hadn't factored into the process that everyone believes something different and may not even plan to ever visit the cemetery. Not visit a cemetery?? How could that be? Well, to be honest, I haven't visited my mother or father's graves once since their funerals. I've visited the graves of hundreds if not thousands of others....hmmm....
I hadn't wanted to ask too many pointed questions and kept looking
for an obituary not realizing that there would not be one. Hmmmm....how
then, I wondered, did friends and acquaintances find out? "Those who
need to know, know." True and with the internet, word will spread even
without the traditional channels.
To me, most of the process, writing an obituary, selecting a spot in the cemetery, selecting an urn or coffin, coming up with something to say at the service, was sort of a tradition or an obligation. It is what is expected. But it isn't an obligation at all. It's whatever the the deceased had planned or the living decide to do. And everyone is different. Everyone grieves differently, so the outcome can be very different in different families.
I think most of what we do when someone has died is for others - all the notifications and such. It allows them to learn of the death without us making a lot of emotional phone calls. Texting just wouldn't be right would it? It is more and more right than you would imagine. A service and burial doesn't ever give the close loved ones closure. That, too, is for the others. Once that part is over, those folks go back about their daily lives and you get to grieve in private as you need to. It gets them out of your hair. And whether or not anyone plans to or ever does visit the grave site selected is really irrelevant.
The people you lose that held a spot in your heart aren't there at the cemetery, they are in your heart where they always were and always will remain.
I will visit this grave, not because I think he is there (I don't believe he is) but just because, it was a nice spot and it will be a quiet space where I can remember. And because I like cemeteries.
